Tuesday, March 15, 2016

Guilt vs. Accountability

A couple weeks ago I was posting on here about not really knowing where to start and since I constantly hear people swear by MFP, this is where I decided to start. I've used the app in the past with some success but am rarely able to last long term as I usually become obsessive about it straight out the gate. This time I decided to just start logging everything, even if I knew I was definitely gonna go over. EVEN if I knew it was gonna be ugly.

So far, it's working. I'm getting better at forgiving myself for not doing so hot one day and also am becoming SUPER conscious of the food I'm putting in my body. Baby steps.

What I wanted to bring up though is something I experienced today and am trying to dissect. Today, I was sitting at work and was really tempted to forego the lunch I had in the fridge for myself of some chicken breast and quinoa and just say "fuck it" and I was trying to figure out why. It's Monday, my job ends this week (Have another lined up though thank god), did I mention it's Monday...and I felt this nagging feeling about MFP and how much I would hate to log that shitty food.

And I sat there and struggled between feelings of being upset that I felt guilty for wanting to do what I wanted to do (which was eat like a savage beast) and trying to recognize that those angry feelings might actually be the pangs of accountability telling myself to treat myself better than I normally would. It's interesting how a lifetime of backward thinking can really start to rear it's head when you start depriving yourself of the things that normally soothe you.

Anyway, I decided before I made any decisions to get up and go for a walk outside for 15 minutes. I decided that if after the walk I still wanted to come back in and eat something terrible for me, I would. But I wanted to give myself the chance to clear my head. Good news, the walk worked. I came back in, clear-headed and decided to make the food I brought for myself. And I felt good all around for it. I didn't get the immediate satisfaction I was looking for but even lying here right now, in my bed, I know I feel physically better than I would have had I filled my body with shit it didn't need.

I don't exactly know what I'm saying with this anymore, but I just wanted to give myself some kudos and if anyone else knows how this feels, let them know they're not alone in having a lifetime of convincing themselves that it's ok to treat themselves like shit and that sometimes just taking a little walk can change your whole perspective on that.

TL;DR: Struggled with feelings of accountability today and what they meant. Decided to actively clear my head through walking and it changed my whole perspective

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